Olde Boys rugby is played by people who should know better.
Rugby players all have specialized positions. On each side there are eight players called forwards who rarely move in that direction. It is the forwards who push, charge, wrestle, barge and very occasionally carry the ball under one arm just so they can knock it on more efficiently. Sometimes, they move in a knotted group, hiding the ball, and this is very clever unless they forget who is carrying the thing and knock him down accidentally.
The other seven players are called backs, so called because they run sideways, throwing the ball backward to each other and most often dropping it. Sometimes, they manage to run right across the field and this is very clever because that's where the beer is. Most of the time, the backs drop the ball, run after it, stumble and fall over. When this happens the other side picks the ball up and runs the other way (in much the same sequence). This is called "a nice run of play" or "multiple phases" by those knowing sorts huddling along the touch line criticizing everyone else. The player who dropped the ball must now think of an excuse like it was the sun, the wind (sometimes their own), the moon, I wonder what's for dinner, I pulled a muscle, it was a bad pass, etc. etc. Thinking up an excuse is usually the cleverest move an Olde Boy can make.
In greater detail, Olde Boys can be divided into positions, or pieces, called:
Has always been a bloody know-it-all, and is tolerated only because he owns a ball pump. Points and yells unintelligibly, but is ignored by all participants anyway. Fills the water bottles from the men's toilet. Blamed for all losses and opposition wins. Strategies based on playing experiences when tries were worth three points and hacking was encouraged. Remembers when that kid from Rugby School first picked up the football and ran with it. Probably missed the tackle. Too many knocks to the head. Too unfit and scarred to play any longer and too stupid to be a referee (and that's saying something). Chats up bemused ladies instead of paying attention to the play, so never knows the score or when to substitute for a dead player. Useful for buying the first round afterwards, and not much else. Drinks Shandy on his doctor's orders.
The last line of defence who is always blamed when the opposition score. Consistently out of position no matter where the play is headed. Olde Boys fullbacks, however, position themselves with care to avoid being near attacking players or under high kicks. This is known as reading the game well. They also make great cheerleaders and will cheer everyone else on while clamouring about trying to keep up. They often gasp and wheeze while looking to the sideline for the nearest water bottle or opportunities to be included in the best photographs. Their shorts are never dirty - on the outside.
There is one of these on each side of the field, left and right. Sometimes they disappear into the spectators to chat up a tasty bit of crumpet and have a wee rest. They are known for having a marked reluctance to take responsibility and a tendency to panic under pressure. They are always the first to pull a muscle. Always cough up the ball in any sort of contact, including with blades of grass, slight breezes, and wayward butterflies. On the Olde Boys, rather than allowing any true wingers to pull up lame before the match even begins, forwards, especially slow and exhausted front row types, are usually deployed to prevent their escape. Having a forward out there in the sunshine where they blink in confusion will also confuse the opposition, resulting in opposing players avoiding the stench and odour of the outer flanks so the wingers have even less to do and can stay in the match for more than a few minutes.
Two of these again, one inside and the other outside. Well, they are really supposed to be both outside on the pitch but sometimes the inside centre stays inside where it is warm. When attacking, they are the ones who run quickly toward the nearest opponent and collapse into their arms. On defence they often tackle each other by mistake. When they try to kick the ball it is always an adventure. Centers traditionally have high sperm counts but on the Olde Boys we use forwards as centers so this tradition is threatened. On other teams, centers are usually known for speed but Olde Boys centers are an exception. They often waddle off the field to the toilet or to the bar to reload, usually during a kick-off. They have an uncanny knack of tripping over themselves or being flattened by opposition players whom they were trying to run through without realising they no longer have either the speed or the power to do so. This was first discovered in the charity match in 1971 against the local schoolboys team.
In Golden Oldies rugby this is the big laugh position reserved for aging trendies who think they can still cut the mustard. May try to play in sunglasses or while talking on a cell phone. Most fly halves spend way too much money on hair gel. They act tough by striking various poses, snarling, blowing snot, picking at their clothing, and re-tying their shoelaces. Usually wear bright red or yellow cleats. If someone comes near them they usually do one of three things: (1) kick the ball anywhere, particularly where the opposition can use it to best advantage, (2) run anywhere except toward the opponents' try line, and (3) assume the fetal position. On the Olde Boys, the Fly Half position is reserved for those able to consume two pints of beer and a double cheeseburger 10 minutes prior to the game without puking during the cleat check. Neither their shorts nor their jersey is ever dirty, but sometimes the creases come out of the sleeves in hot weather. Last made a tackle in 1979.
A small knotty type person who usually does exercises on the day of the match. May own a Pilates tape. Spends the whole game trying to keep out of the reach of opposing forwards (and his own forwards), who will gladly kill him if they can only catch him. Usually becomes cocky in the last fifteen minutes and gets battered. On the Olde Boys, the scrum half traditionally talks to the referee, the forwards of both teams, backs of both teams, supporters, touch judges, and other teams playing close by. All they bloody well do is talk. They also mis-time the throw-in to all scrums and make the hooker very angry. They rarely reach their opposite number in time to make a tackle, but they lie together in the mud chatting until the next stoppage. The current Olde Boys scrum half has been known to keep talking in a style similar to shorthand dictation or wartime Morse Code even after the match and right up until closing time the following morning.
The vice ring of the scrum. In Golden Oldies rugby they play a separate game with the opposing front three. No rugby balls or other players are required. Often their game is played in one part of the field while the rest proceed elsewhere. It doesn't matter to anyone. After 15 minutes they are always completely shagged and, like all alcoholics, vow this is the last time. They know only about eleven words and rarely complete a sentence. Props have no necks, faces like dazed bulldogs, and stumps where their ears used to be. Hookers are not nearly that attractive. If you want to locate the front rows you must look for clouds of steam and gas and listen for elephantine grunts and farts. Multi coloured belly button lint is a prerequisite. Front row forwards are always the heaviest players, most with enough mass to tip the planet slightly out of orbit. On the Olde Boys, front row forwards are respected and feared because if they ever fall on you, you will definitely miss the beer up. Front rowers are reluctant to move any body part at all. However, some have been seen to give a small jump or squirm as those in the second row grasp and clutch between their legs feeling for something to grip firmly on. For that reason, they dislike the word "yank."
This is the most restful position two heterosexual males will ever find. To be able to rest one's head between two well cushioned thighs, clutching on to each others' love handles, can put some second rowers to sleep. This effect is most evident in lineouts. It is also warm and comparatively safe in the scrum because you will never be troubled by coaches, backs or the referee. Second rows types have an uncanny ability to sustain regular breathing amidst putrefied, nauseating odours that would make a cockroach barf. They love scrums and the mysteries associated with slipping ones arms through the legs of the front row, delicately searching for something to hold on to. The art of this simple act has usually been passed down from father to son for generations. Locks are also known to enjoy being comfortably tucked into the bottom of a pile of players, like the vomitorium attendant at a Roman Orgy. Savvy spectators may recognise locks who pop their heads out of mauls like startled ostriches and immediately disappear again. An experienced second row can go through a complete game without making any contact with the ball whatsoever. Many have never seen a rugby ball and wouldn't recognize it if they did. Usually distinguished by a magnificent pair of ears and a nose the shape of South America. When released from scrums and mauls like miners from a cave-in, second rowers have been known to run in circles and blow kisses to the supporters when they are in fact meant to be following the play.
Golden Oldies loose forwards are basically nasty people who have never grown up. Flankers do everything in a hurry but often without purpose, like ferrets stumbling by accident over a gopher den. They have learned, however, to get younger colleagues to do the actual tackling. Flankers shout "balls away" even when it isn't. The number eight loose forwards usually believe they could have played one more season in the competitive grade and always get conned by the other loosies into doing their dirty work. Number eights often pick up the ball from the base of the scrum and run with it without warning anyone. Therefore, they are often alone surrounded by the enemy and it is never their fault. The main goal of the loose forwards is to complete the game with their hair still in place, and be in the front row of exotic dance establishments. They are also apt to remember plays in which they were deeply involved, even though no one else who played in the same game has the faintest recollection of their participation. Some are known to shave their legs and the soles of their feet. They eat a lot of bananas.
Easily identifiable because they are always forty yards behind the ball, even at the kick off. Should be wearing corrective lenses but are too vain to do so, with the predictable effect on their officiating. Usually played in the lowest team in the lowest division before moving on to Golden Oldies and being chucked out for inconsistent play. Getting their revenge now. Most retire from playing Golden Oldies with a minor injury, like a hangnail, and are known to drink a glass of wine after the match. Makes up laws and interpretations with equal abandon. Referees recently petitioned the International Rugby Board to have the inside of the ball lined with tin. Pebbles would then be placed inside the tin and the ensuring rattle would enable them to at least be aware of the general direction of the play. The tradition of having separate changing rooms and showers for the referees does not exist in Golden Oldies rugby. This sometimes makes for exciting scenes in the showers should the referee be a woman, or having made too many bad calls, a man being treated like a galley love slave.
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